what i wouldn't give to need an alarm clock

becoming a parent has impacted every facet of my life. it is hard to remember what life used to be like. what did i do with all that spare time?!? and what was it like to get a full night's sleep every night? my life feels like it is no longer my own. it has been transferred, in perpetuity, to my offspring. don't get me wrong. i wouldn't change it for anything. but, still, the occasional daydream persists. i awake, on my own, at some time in the morning. i stretch lazily. what shall i do today...and so forth. or just doing anything in my day without the feeling that i must rush. the irony is that before i had kids i never stretched lazily and i rushed around by choice. i admit i feel a bit cheated. of course,  there is no one to blame except myself (wholly unsatisfying).

and i feel like my relationships have fallen victim as well. which relationships? all of them. the one with my husband. the ones with my family. the ones with my friends. even the cats. having kids is just a life-changing event. no way around that one. i popped out a baby, popped out another one 22 minutes later and WHAM my life as i knew it was shattered. nothing to do but pick up the pieces, change a diaper, change another diaper and carry on. and this new life has a lot of sweetness in it, interspersed with the bitter, sour and poopy.

i don't miss working. i do, however, miss the feeling of accomplishment when completing a task. i loved crossing things off my list at work, the pleasure of checking the little boxes. i mean, i guess i could draw up lists now...but somehow folding ANOTHER load of laundry doesn't present quite the same challenge. my new job is challenging, make no mistake, but in a very different way. nothing i do in the course of the day is hard. none of it is intellectually stimulating. but it is constant. from the 6am wake up call to the 7:45 tuck-in i am on. and that constant need for attentiveness is tiring. and the whining is mind-numbing. the whining stops at some point, right?

my husband and i made a commitment to a weekly date night when the twins were born. we have been consistent about it and i think it is the reason we are still married. still, three kids in two years wears on a marriage. sleep deprivation starts to undermine even the best of intentions. when the work required to keep the house going takes more than two people to complete it, things can get dicey. the other day, my husband made the comment that it would be nice if we could put the kids into hibernation for 36 hours now and then. he is so right. all couples need some alone time. and not just 3 hours once a week away from the house. we used to do projects together. build a fence. refinish windows. rewire the garage. now, when something like that needs doing, he spends his weekend working on it and i spend my weekend just like i spend my week, watching the kids alone. and, guess what, we both feel like we got the short end of the stick. but that is the way of it when you raise your kids distant from any family.

i don't know if you can tell, but the fog is starting to clear and i am getting used to getting 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. hopefully, this post is less disjointed than the last one. i do see a light at the end of the tunnel. and more and more i am confident that it isn't a train coming at me, but actually the end of the tunnel.