GUILT (or, the real reason parents don't sleep at night)

it occurred to me recently that i have completely screwed up on the potty front. and since i currently have three in diapers the realization hit me pretty hard. just one more thing to feel guilty about, i guess. i was raised catholic, so i am no stranger to guilt. parenting, however, takes the whole thing to a new level. if you aren't feeling bad due to the lack of balance in your child's diet, you are worrying about their performance (or lack thereof) at music class or grappling with the amount of sleep they are getting. it feels like there are an insurmountable number of things to worry about. and to further complicate matters, most of the issues have no right answer.

so in no particular order, here are some issues i worry about or that i hear others worry about:

food: this is a big one. organic? everything or just the dirty dozen. vegetarian? vegan? local? seasonal? what about high fructose corn syrup?? allergies? they aren't eating enough dinner. they snack all day long. they would live on macaroni and cheese. he will only eat white stuff. she won't eat anything green. playing with food. throwing food. food fights. we never sit down for a family dinner. i feel like a short order cook. we waste sooooo much food. should i store food in glass or plastic? what about plastic plates? are they bpa free??

was it like this for our parents? i wonder that a lot. i mean, my grandmother had 9 children in 12 years. she couldn't have done that if it was this hard, right? or are we just wimps these days? i don't think so. i think that the information age is crushing our spirit. knowledge is power? maybe. but i feel like the more i know the more i have to worry about. i try to keep it simple. we have four rules for food: no high fructose corn syrup, no preservatives, no artificial colors or flavors and organic when practical. i read omnivore's dilemma by michael pollan while i was pregnant the first time and it opened my eyes. but again, it has been a blessing and a curse.

drinks: milk? soymilk? almond? hemp? rice? what about juice? water it down? how much? he is still using a bottle. but only at night. if i give her milk, she won't eat her dinner. are they getting enough liquids? bpa, again?!? i know they need to learn to drink out of a cup, but what a mess!

two of my three have dairy issues, so we are a water only family. but, i see a lot of my friends struggle with milk. i was never a big milk drinker and i am not sure if i would have gone the milk route either way. not having it as an option sure puts more pressure on the food concerns. milk is an extremely dense, calorie rich food. there are times i wish i could just give my kids milk for dinner. believe me.

pacifiers: i swore i would never use one. the dentist said it was no big deal...it helps her sleep. it makes car rides so much smoother. what age is old enough? only in the crib? traveling? my parents hate it!

i am not sure how it would have gone if i had only had one the first time around, but all the boys had a pacifier for at least a few months. my oldest for over two years. taking it away was way harder on me than it was for him. i worried about it for a whole month. guilt again. in the end, we all have to do what works for our family. i never saw anyone using a pacifier in school...so everyone must give theirs up eventually :)

sleep: routine...what routine? family bed? brushing teeth is a battle every night. it takes them over an hour to fall asleep. i rock them to sleep. i nurse him to sleep. she sleeps in her stroller. are they getting enough sleep? he's skipping his nap, but still seems to need one. i'm still up twice a night. cy it out? sleep books are making me crazy!

i don't think there is a single bigger issue in early parenting than sleep. it is a double whammy - the battle of getting them to sleep while your sleep is at an all time low. and seriously, the books out there will make you feel horrible. in the end, what worked for me was realizing that each and every child is an individual and sleeps differently. and when i say worked for me, i mean that i still have three living offspring, not that i started getting more sleep. i mean, my twins weren't on the same nap schedule for 9 months and two out of three weren't sleeping through the night until well over a year. it is about survival.

temperament: he's so shy. she will go up to anyone..and i mean anyone. he's been hitting kids. she can't share. they are so sensitive to everything - sounds, flavors, textures. she needs a lot of reassurance. i can't even leave the room with a tantrum. they are fighting over everything.

my husband and i are both introverts. so no big surprise we ended up with at least two. i am pretty sure our youngest is going to be an extrovert. and to be honest i am not sure how best to support this. i worry every day about the fact that our twins (who will be three in a couple months) don't say hi or bye to people. and they ignore people's questions. and they are slow to warm up to new people and environments. i covet the outgoing chatty children who greet every stranger with a cheery "hi!" and a smile. and i wonder constantly about nature/nurture. am i unwittingly programming my children to be the way they are? don't get me wrong. my children are amazing in so many ways...but i know we all have things we worry about, right?

and i guess if there is a point to my random ramblings it is this: give yourself a pat on the back. seriously, make a commitment to do it every day. you are working so hard to do the best you can at an extremely difficult job with no manual and very little training. some of you are doing it alone. some of you are doing it with no family to support you. some of you are dealing with kids with special needs. it is exhausting. it is expensive. it is just so much to worry about. so try to take a few minutes every day to think about the best part of the day. the bubble mountain the kids made in the tub. or the clean plate at lunch. or the spontaneous hug. or the spontaneous thank you. the smiles. the laughs. the moments that make it worth it. and give yourself some credit for making those moments possible.