20 facts about parenting

my husband and i feel that we were tricked. when we were pregnant the first time, everyone was so happy and excited for us. sure a few people mentioned the sleepless nights in a romantic kind of way...but overall it was pure bluebirds and sunshine. i can assure you that being a parent is not bluebirds or sunshine. so, i have compiled a list of things that i would have like to have known prior to embarking on my journey...

1. as a parent, you are expected to work harder than you ever have in your life, 7 days a week, for no pay...and with very very little sleep. oh, and make sure you are smiling for the customers.
2. there is no reciprocity in being a parent. i don't mean that it isn't rewarding or that there aren't moments that melt your heart. as a parent you are air, you are sky. you are amazing, omnipresent and irreplaceable...and 100% taken for granted.
3. all of the sudden you come last. after your kids and your spouse and the pets, for the love of pete. but, you have to put yourself first in order to be there for everyone. and the conflict between these two diametrically opposed concepts leads to guilt, confusion and no small amount of drinking.
4. guilt. enough said.
5. there are soooooo many dumb things people say that have no socially acceptable answers. for example: enjoy these moments, they go so fast. or wow, you really have your hands full! or, my personal favorite...welcome to being a parent. no shit, sherlock.
6. personal hygiene takes a back seat. showering is no longer a daily event. and why change your clothes? they will just soon be covered in spit-up/drool/poop/other bodily fluid anyway. and makeup? really?
7. you will smell your child's butt to see if they are poopy. accept it.
8. you will never go to the bathroom again...you will go potty, however. and very rarely will you be alone.
9. you will live on the leftovers on your kids' high chair trays and somehow gain weight.
10. raffi will be on most of the time and you will be singing along...and the songs will be stuck in your head. willoughby, walleby, wee...
11. you will become your parents. this may depress you, this may relieve you...
12. your kids will consume half of their calories in the car. i swore my children would not eat in the car. of course, i also said i wasn't going to use pacifiers.
13. when disciplining your children, being consistent is key. sadly, it is always you who is punished.
14. you will hide your child's favorite book. maybe only for a day or two...but even goodnight moon will drive you insane after 200 readings. in one day.
15. you should definitely have a dog. i can't do it...but i would spend so much less time cleaning in the kitchen if i could!
16. this one really gets me...i would love to take a nap and sleep 12 hours a night. and yet, the children fight sleep like it is death. seriously, how can they not want to nap?
17. you will be those people at a restaurant. either that, you will not dine out with your children for at least five years.
18. you will love your children more when they are asleep. or after 2-3 glasses of wine.
19. the stomach flu is the worst thing ever. i once put my hand in cold puke at 3am. and my husband was out of town. that night did not end well.
20. date night usually involves talking about the kids. i usually even pull out their pictures.