radical forgiveness

the other day i was reading a book recommended to me by my therapist called "radical forgiveness". now self-help isn't really my bag and this book in particular was a little woo-woo for me, but the guy had an interesting concept. i won't get this exactly right...but the premise was that you should forgive because every wrong done to you is actually a gift. kind of a when one door closes thing. and i like that. of course, liking something and putting it into practice are two completely different things. i think, though, that i can see the logic quite clearly when i look at the food issues in our home.

when the twins were 5 months old, we discovered that one of them had an intolerance to dairy. he wasn't going to die from it, but he had some pretty nasty eczema and blocked tear ducts. so we changed the supplemental formula he was getting and i cut dairy out of my diet. about 6 months later, we realized that the other twin had a gluten issue. again, nothing major...a pinprick rash on his trunk. we decided it would be easiest to cut out dairy and gluten for both of them. somewhere along the line, my husband decided to cut out gluten and just see. guess what? he was a much happier person without wheat! i mean, a different person. and eventually, when our third was not sleeping for shit, i cut out gluten out of sheer desperation. since i was already dairy free, going gluten free felt like quite a sacrifice...but since no one else in the house could eat it...it actually simplified things. and guess what? i have a gluten issue. who knew??!?

now back to the radical forgiveness portion of the show...i honestly feel that my kids' allergies were the best thing that could have happened to our family as far as food goes. people often ask me what on earth i feed them...i feed them food. not edible food-like substances (thank you, michael pollan) but actually whole foods. they eat meat (bacon is a favorite around here!). they eat vegetables. they eat fruit. they eat beans and nuts and seeds. their diet is pretty paleo. and they are pretty hardy! there are days that i long for the convenience of macaroni and cheese (one can eat the macaroni and one can eat the cheese...yuck yuck yuck) or chicken nuggets or pizza. but most days i am happy that i don't have the option to shortcut the food that they put into their bodies. i spend a lot of time in the kitchen and we spend a lot of money on food...but i think that it is all worth it at the end of the day.

is there anything more important than what we choose to fuel our lives with? is there anything more fundamental and primal than food? maybe water and air...but not a lot of choice there, really. the boys eat three meals and one snack a day. i would say that they spend about 3 hours a day eating (and playing with their food and throwing it and...) and that works out to about 30% of their waking hours. i really am grateful that they spend that large chunk of their lives eating high quality fare. i wish i could say the same for myself. i constantly goal myself to eat what the boys eat. and for that matter, to take the time it takes them to eat...instead of wolfing my food down while standing at the island preparing their next meal. i feel like i could be a better model for them. maybe once i am done radically forgiving the universe for their food issues...i can work on radically forgiving myself for not being perfect. i'll keep you posted!

breastfeeding - why is it so hard?

i just weaned my youngest. i didn't really mean to do it. i mean, yeah, i was planning on weaning him soon...but the exact day just sort of happened. we were busy. then it was nap time and bedtime and he hadn't nursed. so i went with it. it hit me yesterday (day 4) that i hadn't cherished the final nursing session we shared. i don't even remember anything about it. i was so busy planning the practical side of weaning him that i completely forgot about the emotional side - the nurturing, the bonding, the shared moments. and that is exactly what makes breastfeeding so hard, in my mind. it is physical and practical and necessary...and yet, it is sweet and comforting and moving. oh, and the hormones.

i always knew i wanted to breastfeed my kids. and when i found out i was pregnant with twins that didn't change; i just thought it was a good thing it wasn't triplets. i bought in hook line and sinker to the concept that it is natural and therefore easy as pie. have you ever made a pie? it is not easy. and neither is breastfeeding. in fact, i would say that during the first three months of the twins' lives it was the most stressful part. latching, nipple shields, pumping, leaking, engorgement, pumping, supply issues, slow feeders, huge right boob, pumping, little left boob, pumping. and more than anything: the unknown! how much were they getting???

so, i have my million dollar idea. i am going to invent a device that fits over the breast, doesn't interfere at all with breastfeeding, but tells you in ounces (or mL) the milk consumed. simple, but brilliant, right?? seriously, at $49.95 a pop it wouldn't take any time at all to rack up my first mill. you know you want one!

so back to the uneven boob situation. i hear it is super common. i called mine the fire hose and the little boob that could. and i can tell you that one of them has fared much better through the process. do you think a plastic surgeon would consider a one-sided lift? would it cost half as much?

and the bane of every nursing mom - pumping. my god. it has to be a man that invented that contraption. nursing twins already made me feel like a dairy cow...but add in the hospital grade pump attached on both sides, wheezing away and i felt like moo-ing some days. i discovered the wonder of the hand pump with my youngest and that proved quite a bit more manageable, somehow. maybe because i didn't always have two children attached at the boob...there was occasionally a vacancy sign flashing. of course, i should consider myself lucky that all three of my boys readily took to the bottle. i am always in awe of the mothers who cannot get their wee ones to hit the bottle.

it gets easier, right? in some ways, yes. once the latch is down pat, the engorgement issues are under control and breast pads are not longer needed in bed it seems to settle down. look how simple it is. nothing to take with me when i leave the house...nothing to wash or sanitize...nothing to buy. easy-peasy! except right around that time (usually 3-4 months in) supply takes a dip. so now what? my first remedy was lots of water and fenugreek. it didn't help and i reeked of fake maple syrup. ewwww. now of course, they say to pump constantly! but is la leche going to send over a full-time nanny in order to save my poor children from the horrors of organic formula? i don't think so. thus, with great heaviness of heart, the one bottle a day of supplementation began.

you know what it comes down to with breastfeeding? you do what you can. and that is all you can do.

for some moms, that means going straight for the formula. for others, it means pumping exclusively for a year. and for me it meant supplementing a bottle a day until we started solids. like any decision made that veers from original intent, it stings. it feels like failure. a compromise. and these decisions are a compromise. a compromise between ideals and sanity. it's called reality.

what i wouldn't give to need an alarm clock

becoming a parent has impacted every facet of my life. it is hard to remember what life used to be like. what did i do with all that spare time?!? and what was it like to get a full night's sleep every night? my life feels like it is no longer my own. it has been transferred, in perpetuity, to my offspring. don't get me wrong. i wouldn't change it for anything. but, still, the occasional daydream persists. i awake, on my own, at some time in the morning. i stretch lazily. what shall i do today...and so forth. or just doing anything in my day without the feeling that i must rush. the irony is that before i had kids i never stretched lazily and i rushed around by choice. i admit i feel a bit cheated. of course,  there is no one to blame except myself (wholly unsatisfying).

and i feel like my relationships have fallen victim as well. which relationships? all of them. the one with my husband. the ones with my family. the ones with my friends. even the cats. having kids is just a life-changing event. no way around that one. i popped out a baby, popped out another one 22 minutes later and WHAM my life as i knew it was shattered. nothing to do but pick up the pieces, change a diaper, change another diaper and carry on. and this new life has a lot of sweetness in it, interspersed with the bitter, sour and poopy.

i don't miss working. i do, however, miss the feeling of accomplishment when completing a task. i loved crossing things off my list at work, the pleasure of checking the little boxes. i mean, i guess i could draw up lists now...but somehow folding ANOTHER load of laundry doesn't present quite the same challenge. my new job is challenging, make no mistake, but in a very different way. nothing i do in the course of the day is hard. none of it is intellectually stimulating. but it is constant. from the 6am wake up call to the 7:45 tuck-in i am on. and that constant need for attentiveness is tiring. and the whining is mind-numbing. the whining stops at some point, right?

my husband and i made a commitment to a weekly date night when the twins were born. we have been consistent about it and i think it is the reason we are still married. still, three kids in two years wears on a marriage. sleep deprivation starts to undermine even the best of intentions. when the work required to keep the house going takes more than two people to complete it, things can get dicey. the other day, my husband made the comment that it would be nice if we could put the kids into hibernation for 36 hours now and then. he is so right. all couples need some alone time. and not just 3 hours once a week away from the house. we used to do projects together. build a fence. refinish windows. rewire the garage. now, when something like that needs doing, he spends his weekend working on it and i spend my weekend just like i spend my week, watching the kids alone. and, guess what, we both feel like we got the short end of the stick. but that is the way of it when you raise your kids distant from any family.

i don't know if you can tell, but the fog is starting to clear and i am getting used to getting 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. hopefully, this post is less disjointed than the last one. i do see a light at the end of the tunnel. and more and more i am confident that it isn't a train coming at me, but actually the end of the tunnel.

GUILT (or, the real reason parents don't sleep at night)

it occurred to me recently that i have completely screwed up on the potty front. and since i currently have three in diapers the realization hit me pretty hard. just one more thing to feel guilty about, i guess. i was raised catholic, so i am no stranger to guilt. parenting, however, takes the whole thing to a new level. if you aren't feeling bad due to the lack of balance in your child's diet, you are worrying about their performance (or lack thereof) at music class or grappling with the amount of sleep they are getting. it feels like there are an insurmountable number of things to worry about. and to further complicate matters, most of the issues have no right answer.

so in no particular order, here are some issues i worry about or that i hear others worry about:

food: this is a big one. organic? everything or just the dirty dozen. vegetarian? vegan? local? seasonal? what about high fructose corn syrup?? allergies? they aren't eating enough dinner. they snack all day long. they would live on macaroni and cheese. he will only eat white stuff. she won't eat anything green. playing with food. throwing food. food fights. we never sit down for a family dinner. i feel like a short order cook. we waste sooooo much food. should i store food in glass or plastic? what about plastic plates? are they bpa free??

was it like this for our parents? i wonder that a lot. i mean, my grandmother had 9 children in 12 years. she couldn't have done that if it was this hard, right? or are we just wimps these days? i don't think so. i think that the information age is crushing our spirit. knowledge is power? maybe. but i feel like the more i know the more i have to worry about. i try to keep it simple. we have four rules for food: no high fructose corn syrup, no preservatives, no artificial colors or flavors and organic when practical. i read omnivore's dilemma by michael pollan while i was pregnant the first time and it opened my eyes. but again, it has been a blessing and a curse.

drinks: milk? soymilk? almond? hemp? rice? what about juice? water it down? how much? he is still using a bottle. but only at night. if i give her milk, she won't eat her dinner. are they getting enough liquids? bpa, again?!? i know they need to learn to drink out of a cup, but what a mess!

two of my three have dairy issues, so we are a water only family. but, i see a lot of my friends struggle with milk. i was never a big milk drinker and i am not sure if i would have gone the milk route either way. not having it as an option sure puts more pressure on the food concerns. milk is an extremely dense, calorie rich food. there are times i wish i could just give my kids milk for dinner. believe me.

pacifiers: i swore i would never use one. the dentist said it was no big deal...it helps her sleep. it makes car rides so much smoother. what age is old enough? only in the crib? traveling? my parents hate it!

i am not sure how it would have gone if i had only had one the first time around, but all the boys had a pacifier for at least a few months. my oldest for over two years. taking it away was way harder on me than it was for him. i worried about it for a whole month. guilt again. in the end, we all have to do what works for our family. i never saw anyone using a pacifier in school...so everyone must give theirs up eventually :)

sleep: routine...what routine? family bed? brushing teeth is a battle every night. it takes them over an hour to fall asleep. i rock them to sleep. i nurse him to sleep. she sleeps in her stroller. are they getting enough sleep? he's skipping his nap, but still seems to need one. i'm still up twice a night. cy it out? sleep books are making me crazy!

i don't think there is a single bigger issue in early parenting than sleep. it is a double whammy - the battle of getting them to sleep while your sleep is at an all time low. and seriously, the books out there will make you feel horrible. in the end, what worked for me was realizing that each and every child is an individual and sleeps differently. and when i say worked for me, i mean that i still have three living offspring, not that i started getting more sleep. i mean, my twins weren't on the same nap schedule for 9 months and two out of three weren't sleeping through the night until well over a year. it is about survival.

temperament: he's so shy. she will go up to anyone..and i mean anyone. he's been hitting kids. she can't share. they are so sensitive to everything - sounds, flavors, textures. she needs a lot of reassurance. i can't even leave the room with a tantrum. they are fighting over everything.

my husband and i are both introverts. so no big surprise we ended up with at least two. i am pretty sure our youngest is going to be an extrovert. and to be honest i am not sure how best to support this. i worry every day about the fact that our twins (who will be three in a couple months) don't say hi or bye to people. and they ignore people's questions. and they are slow to warm up to new people and environments. i covet the outgoing chatty children who greet every stranger with a cheery "hi!" and a smile. and i wonder constantly about nature/nurture. am i unwittingly programming my children to be the way they are? don't get me wrong. my children are amazing in so many ways...but i know we all have things we worry about, right?

and i guess if there is a point to my random ramblings it is this: give yourself a pat on the back. seriously, make a commitment to do it every day. you are working so hard to do the best you can at an extremely difficult job with no manual and very little training. some of you are doing it alone. some of you are doing it with no family to support you. some of you are dealing with kids with special needs. it is exhausting. it is expensive. it is just so much to worry about. so try to take a few minutes every day to think about the best part of the day. the bubble mountain the kids made in the tub. or the clean plate at lunch. or the spontaneous hug. or the spontaneous thank you. the smiles. the laughs. the moments that make it worth it. and give yourself some credit for making those moments possible.

sleep deprivation is not for the faint of heart

i never dreaded labor and delivery. ask my friends. it is true. that said, i know i am not the norm. most women look towards the upcoming birth with a mixture of apprehension, fear and curiosity. there are 10 week classes that most of us signed up for and religiously attended that deal with this amazing and unique experience. and while i think that is cool, i find it ironic. while labor and delivery will take 24-48 hours, being a parent will take 18 years, and yet there is very little time or energy spent preparing new parents for what happens to their world when they leave the hospital (or birthing center...or maybe you never left home at all to have your bundle of joy!).

oh, there are plenty of books out there. the parenting section at any book store is filled to overflowing with well-meaning tomes. i have read a few. for the most part, i suggest parents steer clear of all parenting books. why? they will make you CRAZY! and with severe lack of sleep and wacky hormones (or a partner with wacky hormones) you don't need any help in that department.

ok, so we all have that friend whose baby slept through the night at 2 weeks and has been sleeping 12 hours a night since then. maybe you are that person. if that is the case, no need to read the rest of this post and please don't tell me about it as i may be tempted to strangle you.

part of the reason i started this blog is, after nearly 3 years, i am getting 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. i am scared to post this as i am pretty sure i will jinx myself. and i feel kind of weird and jet lagged. my thoughts are discombobulated...so i am sorry if this post is a bit disjointed. even though i knew some day i would sleep again, now that it is finally here, it doesn't seem real. it hasn't sunk in yet. i should be exercising with this new found energy and outlook, but instead i am going to pour out my thoughts to you. it feels equally cathartic and i don't have to shower at the end.

lack of sleep can have a huge impact on your life. i know this sounds like common sense, but when you are in the midst of severe sleep deprivation, it can be hard to see the forest for the trees. coming out the fog these last few weeks, i have found myself in several nit-picking snits with my husband. i was confused at first as it would seem we only have reason to celebrate. it occurs to me, though, that we have been in sheer survival mode for a LONG time. nit-picking does not fall high on the list of things to do to survive. suddenly, with more energy and a renewed desire to do more than the bare minimum, some old rifts have resurfaced. i take it as a good sign. we are no longer walking in place!

i was speaking to a dear friend this morning about how out of it i feel now that i am sleeping a normal amount. i was wondering how long it would take to feel "normal" again. but there really ins't a normal to go back to...i just have to find a new normal. and now, finally, i have the energy to do just that!

20 facts about parenting

my husband and i feel that we were tricked. when we were pregnant the first time, everyone was so happy and excited for us. sure a few people mentioned the sleepless nights in a romantic kind of way...but overall it was pure bluebirds and sunshine. i can assure you that being a parent is not bluebirds or sunshine. so, i have compiled a list of things that i would have like to have known prior to embarking on my journey...

1. as a parent, you are expected to work harder than you ever have in your life, 7 days a week, for no pay...and with very very little sleep. oh, and make sure you are smiling for the customers.
2. there is no reciprocity in being a parent. i don't mean that it isn't rewarding or that there aren't moments that melt your heart. as a parent you are air, you are sky. you are amazing, omnipresent and irreplaceable...and 100% taken for granted.
3. all of the sudden you come last. after your kids and your spouse and the pets, for the love of pete. but, you have to put yourself first in order to be there for everyone. and the conflict between these two diametrically opposed concepts leads to guilt, confusion and no small amount of drinking.
4. guilt. enough said.
5. there are soooooo many dumb things people say that have no socially acceptable answers. for example: enjoy these moments, they go so fast. or wow, you really have your hands full! or, my personal favorite...welcome to being a parent. no shit, sherlock.
6. personal hygiene takes a back seat. showering is no longer a daily event. and why change your clothes? they will just soon be covered in spit-up/drool/poop/other bodily fluid anyway. and makeup? really?
7. you will smell your child's butt to see if they are poopy. accept it.
8. you will never go to the bathroom again...you will go potty, however. and very rarely will you be alone.
9. you will live on the leftovers on your kids' high chair trays and somehow gain weight.
10. raffi will be on most of the time and you will be singing along...and the songs will be stuck in your head. willoughby, walleby, wee...
11. you will become your parents. this may depress you, this may relieve you...
12. your kids will consume half of their calories in the car. i swore my children would not eat in the car. of course, i also said i wasn't going to use pacifiers.
13. when disciplining your children, being consistent is key. sadly, it is always you who is punished.
14. you will hide your child's favorite book. maybe only for a day or two...but even goodnight moon will drive you insane after 200 readings. in one day.
15. you should definitely have a dog. i can't do it...but i would spend so much less time cleaning in the kitchen if i could!
16. this one really gets me...i would love to take a nap and sleep 12 hours a night. and yet, the children fight sleep like it is death. seriously, how can they not want to nap?
17. you will be those people at a restaurant. either that, you will not dine out with your children for at least five years.
18. you will love your children more when they are asleep. or after 2-3 glasses of wine.
19. the stomach flu is the worst thing ever. i once put my hand in cold puke at 3am. and my husband was out of town. that night did not end well.
20. date night usually involves talking about the kids. i usually even pull out their pictures.