retrospective

sometimes i don't feel like myself. in many ways, since i became a mom, i don't recognize the person i have become. some of this is good -- i have infinitely more patience with my kids than i ever thought possible. some of it is not so good -- the ease with which i can rationalize that second glass of wine (i really earned it today...). and while becoming a parent is bound to change a person, and enrich life and teach tons of meaningful lessons...it can be disheartening to see my identity slipping away.

i am not an impulsive person. that is to say, i like to have a plan. and lists. i love lists. with kids, though, things rarely go according to plan. if it isn't the weather making it impossible to follow through on the trip to the zoo, then one of the kids is sick or a huge blowout causes everything to be delayed by the time it takes to hose said child off in the tub. and meals can be planned a week in advance, but there is no plan that i know of that guarantees that any of those meals will be eaten by all three kids. so i have become more flexible. sometimes i even decide on a whim that we should go to the park. and stop at taco time on the way home for mexi-fries. ooooooh, living on the edge.

i used to pride myself on being able to go from asleep in bed to driving to work in under 15 minutes (including a shower). now i allocate 25 minutes for just going from playing in the living room to everyone buckled into their car seats. and that assumes no poopy diapers. one diaper to change from cloth to paper. one pull up to check (do you need to go potty?), one child to sit on the toilet. three snacks to pack. three waters to grab, three pairs of shoes to find and assist with donning (mom, i want to wear flip flops), three jackets to pick out and assist with (mom, i want to wear a vest...no the green vest) and everyone out the door, past the toys in the garage...i miss my alarm clock. and feeling self-sufficient. i used to travel so light.

i loved to cook. i loved planning a meal, shopping for all the best quality ingredients, spending hours in the kitchen preparing, sauteing, roasting, cleaning up. and i really loved sitting down and savoring a meal made with love. i can safely say i manage to sit down for meals as long as i am not the one cooking them...but savoring hasn't happened outside of date night in three years. i still search for high quality ingredients, and i still spend hours in the kitchen each day. but it has lost it shine. it is hard to feel pride over a microwaved amy's gluten-free burrito. but, hey, i washed and cut the grapes myself! i hope that as the boys get a little bit older, i will be freed up to spend a little more time planning and creating meals i can be proud of once again. in the meantime, i really think i deserve another glass of wine.

one thing about my personality has not changed. i have always had a hard time living in the present. the ability to appreciate what is happening in the now has always evaded me. a frequent conversation between my husband and me starts with: " it gets easier, right?" while i have made some improvement when the boys are all playing and enjoying themselves -- it is hard not get caught up with their enthusiasm, most of the time i really am thinking about that mythical, mystical light at the end of the tunnel. our new mantra is "next year." as in next year camping will be so much fun. next year the flight to georgia won't be such a struggle. next year they will all be potty trained. and on and on. but, i think it is a prime example of be careful what you wish for. before we know it, they will be off doing their own things. they won't need us. and how sad will that be? well, i will just try to play more and think about that time less. easier said than done...