the last couple of months have been a little rough around the edges. i quit drinking. i then proceeded to insert copious amounts of refined sugar into the slot previously allotted to alcohol. the boys are all going through a difficult phase (although, this seems to be a recurrent theme). and yet, things are getting easier. that is, i find that the husband and i seem to have a smidge of leisure time here and there. we managed to get current on glee. the wood from the two trees we cut down 7 months ago has been split and stacked. so...if things are getting easier and time is a bit freer...why have the past weeks been so difficult?
i was thinking about it and i realized that i feel like i am grieving. i have been angry, sad, resigned and a tad bitter. the hubs has mirrored these feelings. it occurs to me that we are grieving our past lives. i don't mean that in a reincarnation-i-was-a-rock-in-my-past-life kind of way. i mean our glorious-the-grass-is-always-greener-child-free lives. i know what you're thinking...your kids are over three years old...that is some strong denial. not really. anyone who has had a baby knows about the survival phase -- that lack-of-sleep induced fog that settles over you. drudgery spiked with occasional joy-filled moments. well, we had twins and then threw another one in the mix about a month after the boys started finally sleeping. so our fog was a bit extended.
and now that the mist has parted, the reality of the next 16.5 or so years look a bit daunting. and the bundles of joy have not gotten any cheaper. and the money tree we planted is STILL not producing. so there have been a lot of discussions about our priorities. and i discovered something really interesting. we can't do everything we want to do. and the things that we can do...well, sometimes we have to compromise a bit here and there. and it isn't just money holding us back. there also appears to be a precisely limited supply of time.
maybe you are now thinking that money and time were limited before you had your three kiddos, sweetheart. yes, that is true. but before the kids all the time and money was for us. remember that smidge of leisure time i alluded to earlier? how should i spend it? some well-deserved alone time? couple time to focus on our marriage and finding out if we still like each other? trying to give one of the kids some (much-needed) one-on-one time? with the whole family? since it is usually about 15 minutes, i can't very well split it 4 ways. and there is always the never-ending to-do list that beckons.
one of the things that has become really clear through all these discussions is that i need to simplify. i mean REALLY simplify. where did all this stuff come from? how much of if do i need? how much of it do i actually use? and where is all the money going? i see 2012 being a year of enormous change. i am planning a large garden and for some chickens. i am hopeful that the investment in time and materials will pay off in many ways -- lower food bills, better quality food, a shortened food chain and a lot of digging for the kids. i want to go through the house and have a major garage sale next spring. and i mean really thin the herd. i have too much stuff. i want to start knitting again. i am thinking that whenever i want sugar, i will knit instead. i am not sure anyone needs that many scarves, but...
what is really important? at the end of the day, the things that matter are our health and our happiness. do we have a roof over our heads? do we have warm clothes? do we have enough to eat? do we love each other? i know it sounds cliche. but there you have it. i came out of the fog and i am going to find those bluebirds and sunshine, goddammit!
